Burns’ words have become entrenched in the holiday season, and you can’t turn on the radio without hearing a version or two.
When I hear the tune, a bittersweet feeling descends over me as I remember the passing year and realize that I’m a year older and that it’s scientifically impossible to turn back the clock (unless daylight saving time is ending).
It’s the same feeling I get when I’ve eaten too much raw cookie dough and for a brief moment I wonder if I may vomit.
Anyway, this year, the song has extra meaning — because, this month, the world is ending.
Yes, I’m sorry to break it to you, but the world ends in December 2012. I read about it on the Internet, and everyone knows that everything you read on the Internet is true. If that isn’t proof enough, I have several random email forwards in my inbox saying the same thing.
As it appears we won’t be around to enjoy 2013, I’ve decided to write a list of things I wish I could do in the New Year, but clearly won’t be able to do now.
• Get my own reality show: If Snooki can do it, so can I. All I need is a bunch of hair spray and self-tanning lotion.
• Learn calculus: For my college degree, I never had to take it. But it can’t be that hard, right?
• Eat a Twinkie: With Hostess declaring bankruptcy, the processed snacks’ days are numbered. Thousands have taken to hoarding Twinkies in their basements as if they are expecting a repeat of the Cuban missile crisis.
• Meet Donald Trump: Someone really needs to verify if that stuff on his head is hair or a dead squirrel.
It’s rather a shame, really, that I won’t be able to achieve these dreams. But I can take solace in one thing: If anything can withstand the end of the world, it’s a Twinkie.
At least we can be thankful for that.
Auld Lang Syne, dear friends.
• Elizabette Guecamburu, a volunteer columnist for the Irrigator, is a writer and a native Patterson resident. She can be reached at email@example.com.