Remembering the good ol’ days
by Ron Swift | Patterson Irrigator
Jul 11, 2013 | 905 views | 0 0 comments | 224 224 recommendations | email to a friend | print
Ron Swift
Ron Swift
Those of us of a certain age frequently dwell on the good ol’ days.

We can’t help it. They were good. Or at least they were good when compared with what is currently happening in society.

Think about playing ball and other games out in the street or in the schoolyards.

Now the streets are considered dangerous and the schools a magnet for crime. What other reason is there that requires our school campuses to be locked up tighter than a drum both day and night, seven days a week?

Such safety procedures should cast a deep shadow over our society.

Three states – Kansas, Tennessee and South Dakota – are now allowing teachers and administrators to carry weapons on school grounds. What seems to be holding back the other states are the skyrocketing liability cost of these “packing” educators.

Yet, after the Newtown, Conn. school massacre earlier this year, the National Rifle Association suggested arming school personnel is the way to go.

What have we come to?


Fast Talk has long had a policy of staying away from the topics of religion and politics.

That’s because I’ve always assumed that if God had wanted only one religion to provide us with our beliefs, He would have selected only one. And as far as the Republican and Democratic parties are concerned, God should be allowed to make a mistake once in a while.

But an email arrived recently that, for this week, only tosses the Fast Talk policy out the window. Here are a few selected tidbits about Christianity.

• Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was liquidating.

• What do they call pastors in Germany? German Shepherds.

• What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda is in the Bible because the apostles were all in one Accord.

• Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? Samson. He brought down the house.

• Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark? Because Noah was standing on the deck.

As you can see, emails aren’t all bad. There was much more, but you get the idea.


Friends and relatives living in the Midwest and on the eastern seaboard often have trouble understanding our ways here in California. Maybe we’re just too progressive for ’em.

Needless to say, they’ll be shaking their heads at a decision we’ve recently made at our house.

You see, we have two indoor cats, Lucy and Plum. It really doesn’t matter their gender, as both have made important trips to the vet.

They usually get along well together, often playing silly games despite Plum having a few years on Lucy. But yes, they do have occasional spats, and then go their separate ways to “cool off” after a tempestuous encounter.

So here’s the bottom line – we’ve agreed to allow them to marry. Watch for an announcement.


Comment in last week’s Fast Talk about a flag belonging to the Boy Scouts that was recently stolen from in front of a local business created some misguided speculation.

It was not spotted in a red-orange pickup belonging to local resident 18-year-old Jared Campbell. Jared, who recently graduated from Patterson High, for some time has flown an American flag from his truck. I’ve admired it myself. Apologies to him for any accusations that came his way about the missing flag belonging to the Scouts.

No, the flag in question was seen flying on a 10-foot pole in the bed of a bright red truck – certainly not Jared’s.


Just the other day it got into my sock drawer and began matching up my footwear.

To my dismay, I found four “one-seys.” That’s odd, because I haven’t discarded worn out socks in over a year.

So tell me, dear readers: where did the four missing socks go?

(This question is worth 75 points on an upcoming quiz.)


This scribe has spent a lifetime enjoying a wide variety of sports – from competitive log chopping to lacrosse and camel racing.

But I object to two types of “events” appearing on the sports pages as they do in some of the daily media.

The two are hot dog eating contests (gross!) and poker tournaments. I consider neither being a sport, nor even close to it.


Well, what the heck. One more Biblical question:

What excuse did Adam give his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?

“Your mother ate us out of house and home.”

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