 Scott McKinley / Reflections
Avoiding the growing mud trail next to some sidewalk construction, I took another route through the student center. Hurrying through it, I heard an incessant voice next to me. “Excuse me. Excuse me. May I ask you a question?” A tall, lanky man wearing a crisp white shirt looked expectantly at me. I took one forlorn look at the exit and then replied, “Umm ... sure.”
The man sported a skinny black tie and was very well groomed. He carried a full smile when he wasn’t talking. Behind him was a white cardboard sign with a red cross made of glitter and sequins that looked amateur but must have taken a lot of effort. “What happens when you die?”
It took a second for his question to register. I expected questions about location of rooms or the time, but not this. Then the whole scene came into focus; I understood where this was going. Being in a hurry, I threw the answers that he wanted at him.
“You go to heaven or hell.”
“Do you know how to get to heaven?”
“Through Jesus?” I said it as a half question. I knew the general answer he wanted, but some people have specific ways they want it said.
“Yes, through the sacrifice of Jesus, we may enter heaven. It is good to see another brother in Christ. God bless you.”
I was dismissed with that, and he was looking for someone else. With only a few seconds spent here, I still had time to make my class. But a feeling of discontent washed over me as I strolled slowly to class. I don’t believe God exists, and haven’t for a long time. So why do I keep pretending I do? Did I really need to lie to get out of that situation quickly? Was it really worth it to avoid some disdain? I resolved then and there to stop pretending.
I dreaded telling people, although it was a huge relief to come out of the closet and stop the charade. Results varied. One family member ignored me. My friends sorted themselves out with the more religious tending to find other activities that did not involve me. My grandmother sent me many Christian apologetics books that only revealed the extremes people will go to hold on to an idea they really want to be true. There were a few accusations of being in league with Satan, but for the most part, there was acceptance.
A few months later, I ran into the same man in the student center. He called to me again as he had done earlier. This time there was no sign behind him, but the large Bible in his hands served that purpose. Not recognizing me, he asked again about the fate of my soul.
“I don’t believe in a soul or in any god,” I said, and as an afterthought added “I don’t believe in heaven or hell.”
I thought there would be some lively debate or wild accusations. Instead, he tried to recruit me into his church to learn the real truth. I politely declined, and he dismissed me with a prayer. This time, however, I walked away feeling much lighter in spirit. I no longer felt the burden of living a lie.
There is a profound relief when one can shed the trappings of social compliance, which reveals the real self to the world. This began a new chapter in my life that exposed me to the world and the world to me.
“Perspectives” is a slightly whimsical look at life, philosophy, religion and politics. Scott McKinley is a scientist and a local Patterson resident. He may be reached by e-mail at
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