A serious case of false advertising
Most of us have had this experience.
We’re sitting in the waiting room on a visit to the doctor, the dentist, maybe our attorney, or even at the beauty shop.
 Ron Swift / Fast Talk
I picked up such a magazine the other day in a Modesto waiting room. Two articles highlighted on the front cover caught my eye (in addition to the figure). One was titled “Walk to Your Perfect Body” and the other, “Shrink Your Middle in 2 Weeks.”
Not having a perfect body and needing a bit of middle-shrinking, I turned inside to the first article. Pictured were three young women, possibly in their 30s — and they must have been walking awhile, for they seemed to have acquired perfect bodies.
But my real interest was the second article about middle-shrinking in just two weeks. My partner (a camel) in my upcoming camel ride in China would undoubtedly appreciate a shrunken middle, even if it was only five pounds lighter.
This article featured a young woman in a skin-tight outfit working out on a large ball. She obviously didn’t have an ounce of fat anywhere. The workout schedule outlined in the article claimed 1 inch of waistline lost in two weeks and 8 pounds dropped in four weeks.
Are we supposed to assume we’ll take on the proportions of this young beauty if we roll around on the floor with this 26-inch diameter ball? Probably so. But wouldn’t it sell more balls to have before-and-after photos of a 65-year-old guy in leotards?
I’m realistic enough to know I’ll never look like her, regardless of how much rolling I do.
TRAGEDY AVERTED
Early last month, a group of 10, mostly Pattersonites, hit the John Muir Trail in the high Sierra intending to log some 110 miles in 11 days with full backpacking gear.
With all of their food and packs weighing up to 65 pounds, the hikers intended to end their journey with a climb of Mount Whitney, which at more than 14,000 feet is the highest peak in California.
But not all plans — including those that had been weighed since a year ago, when many in the group trekked some 70 miles on a different part of the trail — go as conceived.
On the first day, having left Patterson at 4 in the morning, the hikers found themselves above 9,000 feet and going up. Almost from the beginning, one of them — Kevin Scoles — became nauseous. He consumed volumes of water but passed on solid food.
A couple of more days of exertion, and Kevin didn’t improve. By then, another hiker, Bryan Bingham, was suffering ill effects to a lesser extent.
Kevin’s sister, Lesley, a registered nurse, and the remainder of the group then concluded the two were experiencing altitude sickness, a condition that can prove fatal unless the sufferer is quickly evacuated to a lower elevation.
Kevin’s father, Gary Scoles, started to backtrack on the trail with Kevin, and later that day Bryan and the remainder of the group wisely turned back as well.
After arriving back in the valley, Kevin was immediately hospitalized for three days and finally started to gain back some of the 18 pounds he lost on the trail. Happily, he has now returned to work in Southern California with no ill effects.
WE TAUGHT ’EM
One last item on the Olympics:
It was noticed that numerous U.S. athletes were chomping gum during the opening ceremony in Beijing. But they weren’t alone, as many of the host Chinese athletes were doing the same.
And why not? We taught ’em.
FROM THE MAILBAG
Mr. Swift: We know you hate cell phones, detest computers (but like to e-mail), and won’t even use the drive-through at fast-food restaurants. How on earth are you going to get the news from the Irrigator’s new up-to-date-daily Web site that is offering video clips of current happenings in Patterson? — Inquisitive
Dear Inq: Don’t worry about those of us who are technologically disadvantaged (TD). There are still plenty of us, and we’ll find a way to stay informed, such as over the back fence.
Personally, I prefer spies in high places, and for that reason I list my number in the phone book. It’s surprising what callers will tell you about, and besides, if I don’t get the info by phone, I always have the Knights of the Square Table to fall back on. Those guys know everything.
And don’t worry about the fast-food drive-throughs. I still eat regularly — and well.
Being TD, I strongly resented a recent call from a former friend who asked if Housemate (HM) and I were taking along a GPS unit on our upcoming trip to the deserts of Inner Mongolia. Why would I take one along if I can’t work the dang thing? Besides, I don’t intend to get lost.
I’m still waiting for his apology.
EXPLANATION
Locals keep asking about our above-mentioned camel-riding trip to China, and we have to explain that we haven’t gone yet.
In fact, we’re still trying to pack into one bag each no more than 40 pounds of clothes and gear that must carry us through nearly four weeks of travel. The gear includes a very warm sleeping bag and pad and enough clothes to handle temperatures from the 80s during the day to well below freezing at night. The challenge of bag-packing may outdo the challenge of the adventure trip itself.
As you might suspect, our major concern is the camel riding. It brings up that old jingle that goes, “I’d walk a mile for a mild, mild Camel …”
SADNESS, SADNESS
Sadness struck our house last weekend, or more specifically, struck HM.
I spent the next several days consoling her after she lost an entire family with whom she had been close for more than 50 years.
In fact, she was distraught when she learned that on Saturday, Aug. 30, the comic strip “For Better or For Worse,” went to Comic Strip Heaven. Gloom immediately descended upon her.
Recovery has been slow.
ANOTHER HURDLE
Back in the 1960 presidential race, religion was a major issue with some Americans. Nevertheless, John Kennedy became the first Catholic president when he edged Richard Nixon in a nail-biting election. Our nation certainly didn’t dissolve because of it.
This year, the issue with some will be one of race. Barack Obama hopes to break ground by becoming the first African-American elected to the White House.
We’ve come a long way in those 48 years, and the next two months will determine just how far.
FOR THE SPORTS FAN
Does it seem to you that the college football season is gradually encroaching on our summer? Isn’t football supposed to be a fall sport?
And some college teams take on patsies for their opening games. Otherwise how would you explain Miami clobbering Charleston Southern, 52-7, No. 2 Ohio State blasting Youngstown State, 43-0, No. 4 Oklahoma routing Chattanooga, 57-2, No. 11 Texas upending Florida Atlantic, 52-10, Penn State beating Central Carolina, 66-10, and Iowa trouncing Maine, 46-2, all in home games?
Do they really play football in Maine?
AND FINALLY …
This question keeps floating around unanswered:
Why do they manufacture toasters with a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp? Do some people actually enjoy eating charred bread?
Ron Swift is editor/publisher emeritus of the Patterson Irrigator. His column appears weekly in this space.
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p.s. I'm up and running and feeling great!!