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| Fast Talk |
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| Written by Ron Swift / Fast Talk | |
| Friday, 02 May 2008 | |
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A retirement report card We don’t go much for recognition of anniversaries and birthdays at our house.  Ron Swift / Fast Talk However, this week we had an anniversary of sorts that I’ll briefly mention. May 1 was the fifth anniversary of our retirement from active duty at the Patterson Irrigator. After 40 years and 242 days, I packed up Ol’ Blackie, my manual Royal; threw away the remaining checks in the checkbook; turned over the keys to the Matthews family; and grabbed a roll of toilet tissue on the way out. (Well, after all, I had paid for it.) The rest is somewhat documented history. Readers of this column have put up with ramblings about my home life for these past five years, so only a brief update is warranted here. After those 40 years of putting about 3,678 issues of the PI to bed, I suddenly found myself totally foreign to what we shall term domesticity. But Housemate (HM) quickly announced she had a plan for that — domestic training! First came the course in Bedmaking 101. She gave me a C-minus for the course. I argued that it should have been a B, and we compromised on a C. Then came Bathroom Cleaning 101. I quickly dropped the course, claiming that it was too hard and that I needed remedial prerequisites. HM, who had no choice, agreed. I did all right in Beginning Laundry, until we bought a new washer and dryer a couple of years ago. At that point, HM said — and this is an exact quote — “You touch those and you’re dead meat!” You can’t pass a lab course if you have no lab. Readers may be wondering if I excel at anything. Well, yes, of course I do. Garage Cleaning is my favorite course, and I’m up to GC 401, a truly advanced course of study. If only I could get rid of the rat that lives in our garage and eats the oranges off the tree next to it, I’d be ready for grad school in the subject. I’m also the front-yard gardener, but this is an ungraded subject, because I’ve been doing it for more than 40 years. And it may please you to know that last year, I invested in a battery-powered lawnmower, one of the smartest decisions I’ve ever made. I save on gas and am environmentally correct. One of the highlights of the past five years was the rebuilding of a backyard fence, which I supervised. It was hard work watching someone sweat that much. But, you ask (or I think you did), what about subjects like Dusting, Cooking, Vacuuming, Floor Scrubbing and that unfinished Bathroom Cleaning 101? For that report, you’ll have to wait another five years. Sorry. AHHH, THE BEAUTY This is the time of year to take a ride around Patterson, just to soak in the beauty of color. Roses are in bloom, as are tulips, irises and many dozens of flowers, shrubs and even trees. The color is dazzling. Because I go by them every day, I’m treated by Minnie Garcia’s colorful plants at the corner of Seventh and E streets. And those driving north from Patterson on Highway 33 enjoy Earl Hiatt’s long line of color about a quarter-mile north of the city. A SMALL OVERSIGHT A young yellow cat showed up in our backyard a couple of years ago and stayed after adjusting well to three squares a day. We named her Lady Cat. This week, HM took Lady Cat to the local vet, where to her surprise she was informed Lady Cat isn’t a lady. So now he’s Laddie Cat. I report this item so that neighbors, now hearing us call “Laddie, Laddie, Laddie” rather than “Lady, Lady, Lady,” won’t think we’ve gone bonkers. 4-LETTER WORD There’s a four-letter word that best describes my strong objection to the West Park proposal near Patterson’s southern border: Size. That about sums it up. BACK TO YOUR EDUCATION We’ll return to our policy of making readers better informed. For the next few weeks, we’ll concentrate on the human body. Scientists say that the higher your IQ, the more you dream. Anyone out there admitting to being a nondreamer? The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades. Readers should simply take my word for it. A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands, and each foot is said to accommodate some 1 trillion bacteria. No wonder feet stink. FROM THE MAILBAG A local reader recently sent me a note about the claim that cell phones might cause cancerous tumors in the head. Heck, this column predicted the same several years ago, as I’m sure you remember unless your brain has been wiped out by a tumor. I don’t recall for sure (tumor from another source), but I think Fast Talk also commented on potential cancer from water consumed from plastic bottles, another recent subject in the news. Remember where you read it first. By the way, I’m headed to Boston in July with 10 local Boy Scouts. I can predict in advance that all, or at least the vast majority, of the group will be lugging along cell phones. It will be a long two weeks. FOR THE SPORTS FAN Unless you’re a hard-nosed Giants fan, I hope you haven’t been worrying too much about pitcher Barry Zito. (You weren’t, were you?) He was this week sent to the SF bullpen. As you may know, Barry signed a $126 million contract with the Giants in late 2006. As a starter this season, Zito is struggling mightily with a 0-6 with a 7.53 ERA, but as a businessman, he still puts solid food on the table. We suspect Barry will make a strong comeback. He might not have had his mind 100 percent in the game in April, meeting tax deadlines et al. AND FINALLY … Scientists have come up with the idea that chickens are the distant relatives of dinosaurs. Think of T. Rex the next time you bite into a McNugget. Ron Swift is editor/publisher emeritus of the Patterson Irrigator. His column appears weekly in this space.
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