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 Ron Swift
The Big Cell Phone Snafu
Regular readers of this column realize that I have a subtle dislike for cell phones.
In three words, “I HATE ’EM!”
Thus, some may be surprised to learn that Housemate, my favorite wife who many of you now call HM, is the owner of one of the devious intrusive devices (DID) that cause far more problems then they are worth.
When she obtained her DID nearly two years ago, I immediately established a set of rules. The DID wasn’t to be used in my presence, whether at home, in a vehicle, on the street or, of course, in places such as stores, concerts, offices, in church and while riding a camel.
Every husband knows that my set of rules was totally ignored. She makes very few calls, but to my dismay and disgust, she receives her share of them.
So it is with pleasure — no, make that glee — that I report on the Big Cell Phone Snafu that recently occurred in our family.
HM received her DID as a part of a package contract that included our traitorous daughter, Beth. Four phones were a part of the two-year contract, HM paying a bit less than $10 a month for hers.
Recently, there came an offer for a new phone package, a free DID valued at $120 coming in the deal. Two of the four immediately got new phones, but the other two (including HM) have to wait a couple of months because their two years on the original package have not year expired.
This, despite the fact that all four signed up together.
Now I can — and do — read all sorts of sinister subplots into this situation, and I promise to keep readers posted on the outcome. Will they receive their “free” cell phones in March? Will they be included on the new contract with the other pair? Will the new $120 phones actually work? Remember, they’re free.
Stay tuned.
NOW FOR SOME LEARNIN’
This week’s need-to-know subject is animals. Did you know:
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain?
A shark is the only fish that can blink both eyes?
There are more chickens in the world than people?
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds?
A snail can sleep for three years?
But this raises a question of its own: Who timed the goldfish’s memory? And how?
FROM THE MAILBAG
Mr. Swift: What is the obvious fascination you and HM have with the desert in western China? Do you really like sleeping on the ground, nighttime temperatures as low as 0 degrees, sandstorms, temperamental and smelly camels, no bathrooms and being hundreds of miles off paved roads and more than a thousand miles from medical service? — Puzzled
Dear Puz: You’re looking only on the dark side. In 10 previous weeks of travel in the Chinese desert, we heard the ring of a cell phone only once. That was once too many, but you can’t have everything.
FOR THE SPORTS FAN
Just how big will football players be in the near future? Parade’s All-American high school team should give you the answer — big!
Of the 18 selected high school linemen, seven tipped the scales at 305 pounds or more. Only four were less than 270 pounds, and only five of the 18 were shorter than 6 feet, 4 inches.
Just wait until those guys get to college and put on a few pounds and inches.
As expected, the Modesto Christian basketball program is doing to the Trans-Valley League what Central Catholic has done in the Western Athletic Conference — dominating.
As of early this week, both the MC boys and girls were undefeated in TVL play. And last weekend, the Crusader gals thrashed an always-competitive Ripon Christian team, 79-14, holding the Knights without a field goal in both the first and last quarters.
Have the Knights slipped that much? Hardly. They took a 6-4 league record (12-9 overall) into the game.
AND FINALLY …
We hear politicians talk about billions, but what actually is a billion?
A billion seconds ago it was 1959. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive. And a billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
How about a billion dollars? That’s the amount our government spends every 8 hours and 40 minutes.
Or maybe you didn’t want to know that?
Ron Swift is editor/publisher emeritus of the Patterson Irrigator.
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